


Twin Peaks

by Saucery



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: ANTHROPOMORPHIC MOUNTAIN PORN, And I Mean That Literally, Anthropomorphic, Comedy, Could Be Considered Meta, Crack, Crush, Dirty Talk, Humor, If You Squint A Lot, Like A Lot A Lot, M/M, Metaphors, Non-Explicit, Pop Culture, Ridiculous, Romance, Scenery Porn, Snark, Snorfle-Inducing, Subtextual Voyeurism, Surreal, THEY ARE MOUNTAINS OKAY, Teenagers, The Author is Clearly Insane, Tumblr, Unrequited Lust (Or Is It?), Warning: May Induce Maniacal Laughter and/or Mental Breakdowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saucery/pseuds/Saucery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh, boo-hoo, poor little angsty sex-mountain.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twin Peaks

**Author's Note:**

> I WOULD BE SORRY EXCEPT THAT I AM NOT AT ALL SORRY BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I ROLL. THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS MADNESS CAME FROM [THIS](http://saucefactory.tumblr.com/post/34168016262/you-know-just-because-your-peaks-are) OTHERWISE INNOCUOUS IMAGE. ENJOY.

* * *

 

“You know, just because your peaks are, uh,  _rugged_  or whatever, doesn’t mean you’re more popular than I am. Sure, you’ve got boulders the size of - and your - and that - uh. With your. But that doesn’t mean people don’t want to climb my smooth, snowy, virgin peaks!”

“Stiles.”

“Because they totally do! They just… get lost on the way there, is all. Through my winding pathways with way too many distractions on them. Mountain-goats. It’s all the fault of mountain-goats! Not my ADHD! Definitely not my ADHD. If it weren’t for the stupid goats, more people would be erecting, heh, ‘flags’ on my peaks. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.”

“More people climb me, every month.”

“Yeah, sure, with your fake icy glitter of a smile. What is with that psychopathic display of charm, anyway? You’re like a serial killer. Tempting people to climb you before they fall to their bloody  _deaths_.”

“I don’t actively kill anyone.”

“Uh-huh. ‘Actively.’ Right. No, you just sit there and let innocent mountaineers fall screaming down your ravines.”

“Not the innocent ones.”

“So you  _do_  actively target them!”

“Stiles - ”

“No, seriously. Let’s face it, your eyebrows are cliffs. Your overhangs are fangs. Very pointy fangs. With stalactites made of ice. And let’s not even bother mentioning your caverns, dude. Those things are so full of shadows, Batman would piss himself, spelunking in there with all his kevlar on. Heck,  _Bane_  would piss himself.”

“You once called yourself Batman.”

“I continue to call myself a lunatic. What am I even doing, trying to have a conversation with you? All you do is rumble with your throat full of rocks, and growl with your landslides, and glower with your forbidding ledges. And the rest of the time, you rub your popularity in my face. Oh, boo-hoo, poor little angsty sex-mountain. God, you make me sick. Just because you had this one climber who fucked you up, once - ”

“Don’t. Talk. About. Her.”

“No? I shouldn’t say anything about the lovely Ms. Argent, the first and only person to ever successfully reach your highest peak, the one you fell magma over mud in love with, only to have her turn out to be the daughter of a mining magnate who was just scoping you out for an operation?”

“She didn’t. Succeed.”

“Only because you landslided the entire crew off your abs, Derek. But not before she copped a feel. Which - that was disturbing, what that Argent chick did, by the way. With the… licking. And the ‘right places’ comment. Ew, way to be a creep! And you were still such a young mountain, then! Practically a - ”

“Shut.  _Up_.”

“Whoa, fine, shutting up. No need to get all pissy. Just pointing out the obvious.”

“Which is?”

“You’re a douche. And I’m awesome.”

“Hm.”

“‘Hm’? That’s all?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Wow, you sound world-weary. And you’re, what, only a couple thousand years older than I am? That won’t do, Derek. It just. Won’t. Do.”

“Go to fucking sleep.”

“I’d rather just go to the fucking and skip the sleep, thanks, but no one’s penetrating my passages or fellating my outcrops or riding my crags or humping my hills, so all I’ve gotta do is to watch enviously - not jealously! Because that would be, um - anyway, watch enviously as everyone scales  _you_.”

“Some people prefer a challenge.”

“Hey, I’m a challenge. You’re a  _death-wish_.”

“Humans like that.”

“What, the rush? The sick plummet of their stomachs? The burning edge of adrenaline before they bleed out with their skulls split open under one of your ‘accidental’ rockfalls? Yeah, right.”

“There’s a thrill to conquering the unconquerable.”

“Well, I’m  _incorrigible_. So there.”

“You’re insane. Be quiet. And go. To sleep.”

“But it isn’t nightfall, yet! And stop glaring at me, Sourmountain. Jesus, you’d think I was regaling you with unwelcome dirty-talk, instead of - of - ”

“Harassing me about my past, pathetically blaming me for your lack of conquests, painting me as a psychopathic serial killer, and growing visibly aroused in my presence.”

“Hey, that’s…! That’s unfair! I’m a mountain. A teenage mountain, got it? Just a couple million years old. I’m as hard as a rock because I sort of  _am_  a rock. It’s got nothing to do with you, okay? I just, I watch people getting all up on you all the time, but getting  _nowhere_ , and it’s - it’s like watching some kinda weird mountaineering porn, or something, or maybe an excruciatingly slow strip-tease that lasts millennia, and it’s - it’s not my fault, that I get terribly turned on. It’s not.”

“Maybe I have someone else in mind.”

“What?”

“To climb my peak. Maybe that’s why I never let anyone get close to it. Maybe that’s why I shake them all off. Ever thought of that?”

“Oh, like you’re waiting for your one true love? And your popularity is just an unpleasant side-effect of being attractively unapproachable? Did I or did I not tell you to spare me your angsty little sex-mountain sob stories?”

Derek falls silent.

“What?”

“I give up.”

“Gi - give up on  _what_?”

“You.”

“That’s - ”

But Derek's back in silent mode.

“But - but you - ”

Derek carries on refusing to speak.

“C’mon, Derek, you can’t just leave me hanging, here, while you stare expressionlessly and stoically into the horizon in the manner of a guy with a deep, secret crevasse of man-pain - uh, mountain-pain? - and your ice-eyes blaze redly in the setting sun! You just. You can’t do that! You can’t pull off GQMF shit like that while simultaneously giving me hope that I can  _have_  something with said GQMF, all right? That’s just low.”

“What’s low is your self-esteem. And my standards. Clearly.”

“Was that an insult or a compliment? Ohgodwhat. Holy shit, is this actually  _happening_? Are you - ”

“Stiles. There’s a reason nobody’s dared to approach you in over two hundred years.”

“I - ”

“Think about it.”

“I  _am_  thinking about it. Possibly, I am planning to  _masturbate_  to it - ”

“Show me.”

“Derek - ”

“Show me how you touch yourself, when you - ”

“Oh, crap, stop. I’ll dislodge the wildlife on my east side if I get any harder, I - ”

“Do it.”

“I - yeah, okay, I’m - I’m - you better take in those mountain-goats, is all I’m sayin’, ‘cause I just robbed them of a  _home_  - a home that won’t just suddenly shift out from under their feet, and I - ”

“Focus.”

“On your voice. Right. On your - god, I don’t wanna be cliched, but have you heard yourself? You’re like the mountain in Pocahontas’s song, you know that? You  _are_  all the voices of the mountain. Fuck - ”

“Keep going.”

“And now you sound like an  _earthquake_  - are you really - are you really that into me, are you - ”

“Give. Give it to me - the sight, the sound, the scent - ”

“All I smell of is pine-cones and winter, Derek - f-fuck - ”

“You smell of  _you_.”

“D-damn, I’m honestly - honestly gonna miss being all smug about being the one entity in the known universe that resisted you - ”

“You never did.”

“Derek - ”

“Give  _in_.”

And Stiles does.

 

* * *

 

**fin.**


End file.
